


Bits and Pieces of Our Lives

by Ablissa



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Phan - Freeform, Pining, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 20:36:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7005451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ablissa/pseuds/Ablissa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Little snippets taken out of the lives of Dan and Phil, set at different points in time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. things you said that i wasn't meant to hear

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! This is a collection of prompt fills / little drabbles I've posted on my tumblr over the last few days. Please let me know if you enjoy them!  
> Feel free to send me new prompts here: <http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/> :)

_“No, he’s asleep. Yeah. No, don’t come over, what are you, stupid? He’s not going to be asleep for the entire day, you dingus.”  
_

_“I’m sorry, but you are. You’re a dingus for even suggesting that.”_

Phil’s eyes remain closed as he slowly drifts into consciousness. 

The bed is empty, the curtains are drawn. Light is sneaking through, a bother to his tired eyes. He protects himself from sunlight by diving head-first into the pillow, completely unwilling to wake up just yet.

Dan is not here, so surely, he’s awake. How often does that happen? Practically never, to be honest. Phil always gets up first while Dan sleeps in until noon if he lets him.

_“I can manage myself, thanks very much.”_

Dan’s not only awake but clearly also on the phone. Just outside their bedroom, if Phil were to hazard a guess. 

Why isn’t Dan still in bed? Who might be calling?

With a quiet sigh, Phil blindly reaches for his glasses and sticks them onto his nose, flipping over so that he is laying on his back. Finding his phone somewhere under Dan’s pillow, he checks the time. It’s eight in the morning.

Dan is _never_  awake at eight, unless he still hasn’t gone to bed that night. But Phil knows for a fact that Dan _did_  go to bed the previous night, because they fell asleep together.

_“Don’t really have a set plan, to be honest. I’ll just, y’know, speak up when it feels right.”_

Phil’s first thought is to get up and wave at Dan on his way to the bathroom. He forces himself to sit up, stretching his tired limbs. 

Before he gets to put his feet down on the floor, something that Dan says makes him stay put, frozen to the spot.

_“I **know** that I was supposed to ask him ages ago. What are you, my mum? It just – It didn’t feel like the right time.”_

Whom is he speaking to? And why does it feel like the subject of their conversation is Phil himself?

_“I’m not making excuses. What? I’m not scared!”_

Phil clutches at the sheets, his legs still tangled in them, as he keeps himself from springing out of the room. His mind is running at full speed.

Does Dan want to leave him? Is he cheating on him? Is he on the phone with his new partner? Where did they meet? When did they even have the time? Dan and Phil are always together, this person must be well within their circle –

_“Yes, I have the ring. Jesus, Louise. You sound more excited about this than I am.”_

So he is speaking to Louise, Phil concludes, still dizzy with sleep. Phil is more of a morning person than Dan, but he too prefers for his days to begin at ten o’clock.

A prolonged moment of silence follows and Phil begins to wonder if Dan had noticed that he’s awake, somehow. He lies back down and shuts his eyes, tossing his glasses on the bed rather carelessly.

_“What if he doesn’t want to?”_

Phil can’t hear Dan all that well to begin with, but now, his voice came out so small, worried, almost.

_“Yeah, almost seven years. I mean, I guess it’s about time, right? Surely he kind of expects us to get hitched at some point? I mean – I mean we talked about it, but more like, a distant future thing, you know…”_

Phil’s heart stops and then restarts. And again. And again.

Or at least that’s how it feels.

_“I’m scared. And excited. I hope he sleeps in so that I can be less of a wreck by the time he gets up. And I hope the bloody ring will fit. And that he won’t say no. Fuck, Louise, this is terrible. Why do people even do this? Why am I doing this?”_

He lies there, eyes wide, staring at the ceiling. A smile slowly creeps up on his face and then grows wider and wider. A small chuckle escapes his lips, a sound of utter disbelief and delight.

_“Look, we’d best hang up. Phil wakes up at fucking ridiculous times. I’ll make him breakfast. I’ll be nice all day. It’ll be fine. Right?”_

Phil can hear Dan pacing as he waits for a reply.

_“Yes, I’ll call you. Or text you. Or anything. Bye for now, Lou. Thanks for this.”_

The sound of Dan’s steps ceases for a moment and then starts again, only now, he is walking back into the bedroom. Phil shuts his eyes once again, a tad too forcefully.

Dan pushes the bedroom door open, Phil can hear it. He assumes that he’s staring at him so he tries his hardest to look fast asleep.

Dan exhales loudly, stands there a little longer, then leaves the room, whistling a little tune.

 

Phil stays in bed for another hour for good measure, the resolve strong in his mind.

One: of course he’ll say yes. Dan, you idiot.

Two: he’ll try his best to act surprised. It’s not like he was meant to hear this in the first place.


	2. things you said that i wish you hadn't

“I don’t really like what you said earlier.”

Dan was halfway to a smile just then, but in the blink of an eye, it’s all gone.

“Why?”

“Dan, you full well know why.”

“No, I don’t. What’s wrong with it? It’s funny and it made them all go crazy.”

Phil rolls his eyes, takes a deep breath, responds. “Because you’re doing it again.”

“Doing what again?”

“You’re giving them ideas. Hints that we’re together.”

Oh, that. Again.

They’ve been discussing that a lot lately, and Dan is far past _a bit tired of it_.

“Well, we are, aren’t we?”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

Dan tenses up. They’re smack in the middle of their tour through the US. Tonight’s show was an absolute hit, and Dan was actually rather proud of his solo segment of the night, but it seems that he is alone in thinking it was great.

Dan’s on the bed, Phil’s by the table, and just moments earlier he wanted Phil to join him, but now, he’s content with being on his own.

“It’s just a joke, I don’t understand what you’re on about.”

“It’s a _joke_ that they will read into. _Keep stalking him until he loves you?_  Really, Dan? As if you’ve never used that exact wording before?”

Now it is Dan’s turn to roll his eyes.

“So what?”

“So it’s _you_ that didn’t want them to know, and now you’re doing a complete 180 without discussing it with me!” Phil snaps, crossing his arms, blue eyes shooting daggers in Dan’s general direction.

“Well, you wanted this, so why are you complaining now?”

“No, I never wanted _this_ ,” Phil replies, and Dan knows that tone. He is faking being calm and collected when he’s really not. “I wanted it on my terms. Wanted to be honest from the start, not go around dropping hints in front of thousands of people after six years.”

And that hurts, it does. Because they’ve been over this so many times before and Phil knows why they’ve never told the world that they are together. Phil knows of Dan’s fears, he knows him better than he knows himself, and to use that against him for an innocent joke is just a… A new kind of low, really.

“It makes them happy and makes me feel like a bit less of a liar,” Dan argues, “What’s the problem with that?”

Phil releases the breath he so clearly had been holding and looks down to the carpeted floor of their bus.

“I’ve been reading forums and things. They think it’s awfully convenient of you to suddenly open up so much in the middle of our tour.”

“What?” he sputters in shock.

Phil shakes his head slightly and makes eye contact, only unsettling Dan even further.

“Is this what you’re trying to do? Sell us out? Get more merch sold because everyone is going mad with the idea of Phan?”

Dan freezes, frowning as he stares at his boyfriend of six years. He’d stand up, but the road is bumpy and he’d hate to trip and fall right now.

“I can’t believe you just said that! Fucking hell, Phil. What’s wrong with you?”

“Keep it down, we’re not alone here,” Phil says, slightly subdued due to Dan’s outburst. Dan truly is the louder of the two. “I just don’t understand you. We both agreed to wait and tell them eventually, not fuel their ideas of us that we both know have nothing to do with reality.”

“But I thought you want them to know!” Dan shouts, ignoring Phil’s request to lower the volume.

“Yes, to _know_ , not guess and gossip! You’re supposed to discuss these things with me! This isn’t a game, this is us and our future!”

“Well, so fucking sorry for trying, then. Why don’t we just never bloody tell them then and leave it as it is.”

Now Phil is shouting too, and Dan can’t help but shrink back as well, because it only happens when he truly is upset.

“I just don’t want our relationship to be the base of our tour tickets being sold out! Don’t treat us like things to barter with!”

“Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I just want to be a bit more honest with everyone?”

Phil stares at him, a sad look in his eyes trampling his previous anger. 

“I hope that’s the case. Because the Dan I know would tell me first.”

 

Phil brushes his shoulder as he leaves the bedroom, heading into the sitting area of the bus, not saying another word.

Dan stays in for the rest of the night, alone with his thoughts, and worst of all, unsure of whether this particular fight will be easily mended.


	3. things you said at 1 am

“D’you reckon we’ll always be friends?”

Phil’s bed is wide, but not wide enough for them not to be touching at some places, especially if not actively trying to avoid it. They’re laying side by side, and their arms are brushing, their hands are close by, and Phil could swear that was Dan’s knee that recently brushed his leg.

It’s past 1 am, they should be asleep, but they’re escaping the thought. It’s another sleepless night for Dan, and as such, it’s also a rather sleepless night for Phil.

After so little sleep, one’s mind has a tendency to become a jumbled mess of experiences, emotions and what ifs. And Phil hates that part of the night, he does, because his feelings get the best of him.

“What’s brought this on, Dan?”

“I don’t know,” Dan whispers back. “Most people grow tired of each other at some point.”

“We’re not most people,” he shoots back, just this short of being offended. He and Dan, not friends? Yeah, right. 

He’d go to hell and back for this boy, and then do it all over again, if there was any need for that.

“What if we get in a fight and move out?” Dan muses. “Or you get a girlfriend and you want to live with her? There may even be actual offspring involved, think of that.”

Phil turns his head, resting his cheek on the pillow. He stares at Dan, who is still very much preoccupied with the ceiling.

“If that ever happens, I’ll bring you with me. Someone’s gotta take care of those kids while I’m watching anime for hours on end.”

He observes Dan smile for a moment, knowing his attempt was somewhat successful, but didn’t really do the trick just yet.

“Besides, why would I want a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend, for that matter,” he ponders. “I’ve got you. Don’t even have time to go out and meet anyone.”

Phil is taken aback when Dan turns his way too and meets his eyes.

His bedroom is dark, so dark that Dan’s features are almost difficult to make out, but not quite. He sees enough for his breath to catch in his throat once they make unguarded eye contact.

“Does that bother you?”

“No,” he replies without a thought. “Does it bother you?”

“No. It probably should.”

“Maybe it just doesn’t have to.”

Dan ponders Phil’s words for a while, then smiles fondly.

“Maybe it’s good as it is. Just don’t want it to end, really.”

“It won’t,” Phil promises, even though he can’t know the future. All he knows is that he’d have to be a complete moron to ever part ways with Dan.

Dan’s eyes are still glued to his. They’ve done this before, had these wordless conversations. They’ve lived together for what, five years? They know each other so well.

Dan doesn’t know everything, though. But somehow, in the middle of the night, the secrets that Phil doesn’t want to share seem to spill straight out of his soul.

He notes the questioning look on the boy’s face that softly slips into something warm, almost affectionate, as Dan reaches out and takes Phil’s hand in his.

“Maybe it could get even better, you know.”


	4. things you said over the phone

_“I can’t wait to see you!”  
_

Dan looks out the window, absently staring at the shades of green that pass him by, each second only bringing him closer to the Manchester train station, where he will be meeting Phil again. At long last.

“I can’t wait either. I swear I’m going to kill the – ugh, what’s the name – the train driver person if they don’t hurry up.”

“Don’t do that, Dan. I don’t think I’ll have visitation rights if you end up in prison.”

“You could always just break in?”

“And then we’ll _both_  be in prison. That’s a sound plan.”

“At least we’d be together, not like now,” Dan says shyly, intercepting their banter with something far more real.

There is silence on the other end of the line, but it’s not awkward. They’ve spent so many hours on Skype, they don’t always have to speak. This is warm and pleasant and Dan can hear Phil draw a hasty breath in reaction to what he just said.

“But you’re almost here,” Phil says at last. “Like two more hours to go. And then we’ll have the house to ourselves for the whole week!”

Now it is Dan’s breath that gets caught in his throat, because yeah, a whole week with Phil is basically the stuff his dreams are made of, as of late.

“What are we going to do?” he asks excitedly, mind swimming with ideas.

“We could go to the Sky Bar again,” Phil suggests, “Could go to the movies, or – or watch something at home, play some games, make a video…”

“Cuddle on the bed…” Dan muses, keeping quiet to avoid having people hear him. The train is not exactly packed, but it’s far from empty today.

“Y-yeah, that’s definitely an option,” Phil stutters.

“D’you think it’s a _good_ option?”

He’s blushing, he knows it, but he wants to be brave. He feels heat rise in his cheeks. He wonders if Phil is blushing too.

“I really think it’s the best one yet, Dan.”

Dan loves hearing Phil say his name, and Phil seems to have picked up on it, because he says it far more often than necessary. To Dan, the way Phil says it, it almost sounds like a caress.

There’s an ache in his chest, echoing over his whole body. He misses Phil so much.

“I miss you,” he mumbles into the phone.

“I miss you more,” Phil says, because they always do.

“I miss you _most_.”

“I miss you mostest.”

“That’s not even a word, Phil.”

“It is now.”

Dan smiles, a wide, genuine grin. The train is going fast, but even so, the next two hours will feel like forever. They always do.

“You know what, maybe it is.”


	5. things you said under the stars and in the grass

“What if they see us?”

Dan shrugs as he continues dragging Phil along, determined to find just the right spot for stargazing. It’s August and the Perseids meteor shower is supposed to be at its peak today. He’s _not_ going to miss that.

Honestly though, best date night idea _ever_.

“Who’s ‘they’?”

“I don’t know. Anyone, I s’pose.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do.”

Dan stops at that, although he doesn’t let go of Phil’s hand. He just turns around to meet his eyes.

“Phil, they as good as _know_ we’re together. Besides, why would we run into a subscriber in the middle of the night in a field outside Manchester? Come on.” Dan leans in, giving Phil a short kiss right on the lips. “Relax.”

Phil’s smile grows more genuine, but he does look around, making sure no one saw them. 

 

Dan hates the way they can never truly relax. Not for the first time, he wishes they’d just come out and tell everyone. It’s really not that easy, though.

It’s about ten minutes later that they stumble upon a quaint, grassy area with a clear view of the sky. Wordlessly, they agree to settle for this, and begin setting up their things. 

Two blankets - one for them to sit on, one for them to wrap themselves in when it gets too cold; a thermos filled with coffee (the kind that Dan likes, not Phil’s favorite _Tesco’s Peasant Brand_ ), some cookies for when they want something to munch on, even their vlogging camera to document the moment if they would wish to.

This year, Dan came _so_ prepared. He’s proud of himself.

 

They sit down very close to one another, but even then, the blanket feels too small. Blades of grass tickle Dan’s bare legs - he’s wearing shorts today. This summer has been really hot.

Minutes pass on quiet conversation as they both look up to the sky. Every now and then, a flash of light appears and disappears within seconds, briefly illuminating the view.

“Did you see that one?” Dan whispers.

“Yeah, it’s lovely. When’s the peak?”

Dan checks his watch. “In about thirty minutes.”

“Okay.”

Dan reaches out and entwines their fingers, looking away from the sky to stare at Phil instead, finding that he has done the same thing. 

“We’re a pair of utter losers,” Dan says after a moment of prolonged eye contact. “We’ve gone all this way to see the stars, and we’re sitting here staring at each other.”

“You’re more interesting than all those stars, in my opinion.”

“But you see me every day, you spork! Go on, look up!”

Phil smiles warmly, clearly much more relaxed than before.

“Doesn’t matter,” Phil dismisses, “Still true.”

Dan returns the smile, somewhat shyly, but he does.

 

Eventually, their necks begin to ache from staring upwards all the time, and in a mutual agreement of sorts, they both lie down, remaining as close as possible. At this point, if someone truly were to see them, they’d have no doubts as to the nature of their relationship.

The lights in the sky come and go, and Dan admires their beauty in full. Even more so, he admires this quiet moment with Phil, with the two of them looking up at the stars.

“This was a good idea,” Phil admits somewhere close to him.

“Yeah, but this is all very romantic. What about our _fragile_ masculinity, Phil?”

Phil chuckles softly. “You say that as if either of us truly cares.”

“ _You_ care if people see us,” Dan reminds him without malice.

“That’s because I want this to be _ours_. I don’t want people coming into our life. I just want you, me, _us_ , moments like this. No one else needs to see that.”

Dan can’t help but agree. He snuggles up to Phil, in that favorite spot of his at the crook of Phil’s neck, and cherishes the strong, firm hold that Phil has got on him as he pulls him even closer.

“D’you reckon we’ll ever be able to just… Do things like this and not think twice?” he asks, voice breaking.

“Maybe if we go away for a while. Like now. Find these little places and – and make them ours.”

Dan sighs into Phil’s chest. 

“But I want to be able to just do this every day, y’know? Just like, hold hands or kiss you or something, without having to find it on the internet later.”

“Yeah, me too.”

This time, they both sigh heavily.

“This kind of sucks.”

“It does, doesn’t it,” Phil agrees, a sad hint in his tone.

“I’d say we should make up for it while we’re alone.”

Phil shoots him a confused look, quickly replaced by an affectionate grin as Dan shifts, ends up somewhat on top of Phil, begins to kiss him slowly, tasting him as if they’ve never done this before. They don’t stop for long, painfully sweet minutes, momentarily forgetting about the world around them.

“I’m blocking your view, aren’t I,” Dan breathes against Phil’s mouth eventually, because it’s true. Neither of them can see anything of the meteor shower now.

“No you’re not,” Phil protests. “You _are_  my view.”

When their lips meet again, Dan thinks that he hardly needs to explore the skies in order to find perfection. He just needs to stay close to Phil.


	6. things you said after it was over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is SAD. Don't read if you're having a bad day, or you will cry (like I did when I was writing this, go figure)

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Dan’s eyes grow wide as he stares at Phil. His mouth falls slightly agape. 

“You don’t mean that.”

Silence.

“Right? Phil?”

Phil runs his fingers through his hair, leaving it in a disheveled mess. On any other day, Dan would find it adorable. Now, his heart is racing not with affection, but with fear.

He’s standing on the very edge of a cliff, and Phil is about to push him right off it; or at least that’s how it feels.

“Phil? Come on, no - you don’t mean it, do you?”

Phil doesn’t meet his eyes as he whispers, “I do. Oh god Dan, I mean it, I do. I can’t - I can’t handle all this anymore, it’s too much.”

“What is too much? We’ve been through this before! Look, I’m sorry, I won’t throw a fit again okay, I promise – just –”

“It’s not that. It’s that you’re – you’re so _jealous_ of me and then you go and pretend we’re not even _together_ and I’m supposed to not even care? You think I don’t care when you act like that? I care! I cared for too long, Dan!”

Dan shrinks, he feels so small. Phil is right. Phil is _so_ right.

He’s yelled at him so many times for as little as looking at another guy. Yet he keeps pretending they’re not together, he even goes as far as to flirt with women just to cover it all up. But Phil knows why. He _knows_ why. Phil was okay with this. Phil can’t just leave him.

Can he?

“We’ve tried for too long,” Phil continues. “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.”

“There is no fucking meant to be, Phil! There’s you and there’s me and there’s _us!”_

“I wanted that to be true, but you never let it happen!”

“So it’s all my fault, then,” he states more than asks.

“It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault. It’s just how it is.”

Dan steps closer to Phil, reaches out, but Phil moves away, flinches away from his touch.

Dan can almost hear his own heart break in two and then shatter into a million tiny pieces.

“I’ll get a place,” Phil whispers. “I’ll stay at a hotel tonight.”

“Phil, no. Please, no, don’t do this. I’ll be better. I _promise_ I’ll be better.”

“You’re perfect, Dan. It’s just not working for us.”

Tears begin trailing down Dan’s face as he stands there, in the middle of the lounge, in the centre of their world.

Phil’s still here, and yet, Dan has never felt so alone.

Phil closes the distance between them and kisses Dan, tenderly but with a dose of desperation. Dan kisses back, wrapping his arms around him, holding him close.

He never wishes to let go.

“I’ll always love you, Dan. I promise.”

 

When Dan wakes up the next morning, Phil’s side of the bed is empty, as is Dan’s very own heart.


	7. things you said at the kitchen table

“Stay, I’ll get him.”

Dan looks up at Phil with tired, bleary eyes and nods in what he hopes will be perceived as the grateful gesture that it is. Phil should be classified as a national treasure, truly. Dan doesn’t express it enough.

He lays his head on his arms and tries to sleep through the noise that’s coming from the nursery, but he swiftly finds that he can’t. He’d be better employed making them both the pot of coffee that Phil was preparing prior to leaving the kitchen.

“Shush love,” he hears Phil say, voice far more upbeat than Dan could ever muster after two hours of sleep. “What’s the matter now? Are you hungry? Go on then, let’s get you something to eat.”

Moments later, Phil comes back to the kitchen, carrying Luke, their two month old son. They adopted him a bit over a month ago and it’s been a real adventure. One that doesn’t involve _sleeping_ , Dan might add.

Just a month in, they already have worked out a routine. Dan takes Luke from Phil and tries to entertain him while Phil prepares some formula for him to eat.

Their son remains entirely unmoved by Dan’s poor attempts at distraction. 

“I’m so fucking tired, Phil,” Dan complains, bouncing the baby in his arms.

“Dan!” Phil chastises, glancing at Dan over his shoulder. “Don’t talk like that, Luke can hear you!”

“Phil, he literally can’t tell his own head from his toe. He’ll be fine.”

“Stop insulting our baby,” Phil insists, coming up to the table with a bottle of formula ready. “There, feed him. It’s your turn.”

“You’re such a functioning adult,” Dan says with admiration as he begins feeding Luke. “I think I’d literally _die_ without you.”

“Don’t die,” Phil protests, sitting down across from Dan, staring fondly at both him and the baby. “If you do, there’ll be no one to teach Luke to swear.”

“Is that the role I’m supposed to have in his life? The rude parent that doesn’t know how to behave properly?”

“Yes,” Phil says, but the warmth in his voice is evident. “I could just as well hire a nanny for all the other things.”

“Not _all_  the other things, surely,” Dan says with a smirk. 

The joke goes right over Phil’s head at first, but once he _does_  get it, he chokes on his coffee.

“You’re dead set on corrupting our son!” Phil sputters, then adds as an afterthought, “Besides, I’m pretty sure I could hire someone for – for _that stuff_ , too.”

Dan frowns, his infamous jealousy immediately kicking into gear. Phil spots the change in his countenance and rushes to add, “But of course, not as good as _you_!”

Dan can’t help but laugh at Phil’s piss-poor attempt at consolation. Of course, after eight years together, he knows that Phil wouldn’t prefer anyone else. In truth, neither would he. 

They’re married, they have a child, a house and a dog. They’re so very boring, and yet never _bored_. Dan wouldn’t have it any other way.

Well, there’s _one_ thing he would change, if he could. He’d like it if their subscribers knew about the whole thing. As far as they’re concerned, he and Phil are just best mates.

Or well. They don’t really believe it, but still.

“D’you reckon we should tell them about Luke?” He doesn’t have to specify. _Them_  always means their subscribers.

Phil shoots him a hopeful glance that quickly dissolves into irony. 

“Really, Dan? You’re asking _me_ that? You’re the one who keeps telling them all these odd stories, like –” Phil clears his throat and then mimics Dan’s voice, “ _Oh we have two bedrooms on the tour bus! O_ r _we only bought the house to not have to pay so much in rent_!” 

He snorts inelegantly. “Could always tell them Luke is your brother or something. Your parents moved to live in Florida and dropped him off here.”

“Sounds plausible.”

Luke, having finished his bottle of formula, is far calmer now. He’s looking up at Dan with curious, dark blue eyes. Dan leans forward to plant a kiss on the boy’s forehead while Phil watches the two with nothing but affection in his expression.

“No, but really,” Dan says after a pause. “We _could_.”

Phil stands up, kisses Dan in a trained movement that never gets dull, grabs their empty coffee mugs and goes to wash them up.

“We could.”

“Will we?”

“Probably not.”

“We’re terrible.”

“Speak for yourself. I’m pretty amazing. Like, you know, AmazingPhil.”

“You’ve already got the dad jokes sorted, Phil. That physically hurt.”

Dan also stands up, bounces the baby for a bit, presses him to his chest and gently taps his back - even when sleepy, he remembers how important it is not to forget that little bit.

“Go on then, put him back in the crib. We could get at least two extra hours in bed.”

“Thought you hired a nanny for that?” Dan teases, turning to leave the kitchen.

“Nah, I figure you’re the best one I can get at my age. Nanny Danny.”

“ _Fuck you_. So much.”

“Dan!”

He leaves the kitchen, Luke in his arms, but he does stop dead in his tracks for a moment when Phil calls after him.

“And I’m looking forward to it!”

Dan stifles a laugh in order not to disrupt his son, but in his mind, he’s silently thanking Phil for all the mornings spent at the kitchen table, keeping his sanity intact.


	8. things you said that made me realize you were perfect for me

“Hey, Dan, I think it’s amazing! I figured I’d just call you instead of texting because I love it so much!”

“Really?” Dan mutters into the handset, doubtful. “I think it’s rubbish, to be honest. Can you tell me how to make it better?” Pause. “Other than just get rid of it, I mean.”

He’s spent the entire day working on his new video, but it’s _horrible_. The lighting is bad, the jump cuts take too long, his face looks stupid, his hair is a mess, he’s not even _remotely_ funny, and let’s be real, Phil is just being nice.

Phil always watches his new videos before Dan makes them public. Without Phil, he wouldn’t even have his channel. But what help can Phil offer, being in Manchester?

Dan can’t wait for their next meeting. He’s going up to Phil’s again, for five days. It’s not long, but he’ll take it.

He’d take anything by now, really.

“What’s there to make better? It’s perfect!” Phil assures him on the other side of the line. “I laughed out loud, really. You should post it and see what people say!”

“They’ll say that it’s crap, because it is,” Dan disagrees. He knows he’s being a little childish, but he can’t help it.

It’s difficult to deal with always being dissatisfied with your own work.

“Why would anyone say that?”

This is one thing he likes about Phil. He always comes up with these logical questions that make Dan think. He doesn’t just say _no, they won’t_ , he makes Dan think for himself.

Honestly, Phil is pretty much the only thing that keeps Dan afloat at times. And he’s certainly the only person keeping him on YouTube, as it is now.

“Because it’s terrible?”

“What’s so terrible about it, then?”

At times, this irritates Dan, this whole interrogation technique. But on most days, he loves that Phil can help him settle down his emotional side and see things the way they are.

“The lighting,” he starts, “I edited it all wrong, too. And I look like an idiot. _And_ it’s a boring subject.”

He hears Phil draw a deep breath prior to speaking and he knows he’s in for a treat.

Really, he loves to hear Phil’s voice, no matter the subject.

Dan is a proper loser. It’s no wonder he can’t even make a good video to save his life. The only subject he’d like to talk about is Phil. Maybe he should settle for making videos about Phil. Twice a day, every day.

It could work.

“The lighting is fine. You filmed in your bedroom, it’s not going to look like when you go to the dentist! The jump cuts were okay, it’s just how you do it! I like that it’s not all chopped up into a billion pieces.” Phil pauses. “And the subject is great. I think lots of people can relate to this. And you look perfect, Dan.”

Dan doesn’t say anything, merely clutching the phone, pressing it to his ear as hard as he can. Tears are welling up in his eyes. Maybe it’s a good thing that Phil is not here to witness this.

“It just made me miss you so much, really. I wish you were here. I’d tell you how much I liked the video.”

When tears begin to spill onto his cheeks, Dan knows it’s not only bitterness that brought them on. It’s Phil. Everything about Phil.

“I don’t see how you even have the energy to be so supportive of me,” Dan mutters, “I’m a living flop. And I’m annoying.”

“Don’t talk about my boyfriend like that,” Phil jokes weakly, but even over the phone, Dan can hear that he is affected by it. “I can be dangerous, you know. I _almost_ have a six pack.”

He snorts inelegantly, wiping his tears with his free hand.

“You didn’t the last time I saw you.”

“I’ve been going to the gym for 23 hours a day!”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. You’re the productive one here.”

“Dan,” Phil whispers, suddenly serious again. “I won’t tell you to stop thinking like that, because I know it’s not just like, this magical spell and you’re done, but…”

“But?” Dan prompts when Phil falls silent.

“But I’ll never _agree_ with you. I know you, Dan. I know you work hard and you try your best and you’re compassionate and creative and talented. I know that you’ll get there, and by _there_ I guess I mean _anywhere_ really. Anywhere you’re happy.”

Fucking Phil. Dan’s only _just_ stopped crying.

“I’m happy with _you_ ,” he eventually chokes out, not bothering to hide the way his voice is thick with emotion.

“And I’m happy _about_  you. That you exist, that you – that you talk to me, that you’re in my life. You’re perfect to me, Dan. Don’t forget it. Please?”

Dan nods into the handset, even though Phil can’t see it.

 

Dan is not perfect, not by any stretch. But Phil is. Phil is perfect for him.

If there is one thing he will never let go of, it’s that. It’s Phil.

It’s the future he hopes to achieve; and he never hoped before.

Not before Phil.


End file.
